Neocondom Revisited

NEOCONDOM REVISITED

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The way of Neocondom is the way forward - if we want to rid this planet of the human race, that is. King George the Dubberyar, Dickless Cheney, and Donald Graf von Rumsfeld, those Fabulous Fallujah Flatteners, the Triumvirate of Totalitarianism, the Acmes of Antidisestablishmentarianism, have decreed that those who do not agree with them are The Enemy, and must be shot. That means around 4 billion to dispose of, so they're going to be very busy over the next few weeks.

After many years of fruitfull work as a product placement clerk for Tom Clancy novels, Donnie Kreigskrimminal realised his dream when he was appointed speech writer for King George the Dubberyar. He found it an easy job, as he could put any diatribe he liked in a speech, and didn't have to spell check it as it was not worth the effort. After his wife ran off with a wealthy vibrator from Walla Walla, Washington, he decided to join the Army. When the recruiting office found he could read and write, they made him a Genocide General and shipped him off to Qatar, where they gave him a nice, air-conditioned, office where he could shuffle his papers about and send soldiers off to die. After converting to Neocomism, he was sent off for Press Conference training, where he learnt how to claim victory and 'mission accomplished', even when your Army is getting the crap kicked out of it. Having retired from the Military, he currently works for an igloo importation company in Vanuatu.

Dick Long-Thiknesse was a Neocon amongst Neocons. Son of a religious-rightist Pastor and a two-dollar whore from the back streets of Albuquerque, he was raised by his maiden aunt Penelope Kravezit and educated by the Alabama Chapter of the Klueless Klux Klan, where he became an expert in dead checking and masturbating with his weak hand. He entered a competition on the Cartoon Network, and won an apprenticeship with Genocide General My-errs, where he learned advanced techniques in bullshitting to the public and claiming victory whilst being defeated horribly. After a stint in Fleetwood Mac, he joined the New New Christy Minstrels, replacing Barry McGuire's grandson. When he started showing above average ability in jumping to conclusions, he was hired as an editorial writer on the Wall Street Journal, where his tameness and compliance brought him to the attention of Neocondom, in the person of His Ungraciousness Donald Graf von Rumsfeld, who found him a job working for Calamity and Homo of the Fux Spews Chunder. His task was to turn the volume down when a dissenting viewpoint was being given on their show, making it easier for Calamity to talk over the poor bastard giving the viewpoint. Sometimes he would put on an anorak and a false breard and pose as a left wing spokesman. He currently is self employed, writing advertising scripts for Microfart when they release a brand new product. He says that business is very slow.

The Holy Webmaster today denied being a closet Neocon, stating that he bought copies of 'The Annexer's Weekly' for the articles, and he never even looked the centrefold of Dickless Cheney posing nude on a pyramid of Camp X-ray prisoners.

It was announced today in Texas that the offences of 'Not Wear National Flag Badge On Lapel', 'Fail To Own White Pickup With 10 Spotlights Mounted Above Roof' and 'Failure To Possess At Least 15 Guns' had been added to the list of executable crimes in that State.

Donald Graf von Rumsfeld today announced that he had been retained by The Pat Spewcannon Corporation to jump naked out of a cake at the Religious Right Annual Picnic this year. He said that, although he will be naked, he will wear a figleaf over his mouth to avoid offending too many people.

Donald Duck today plead not guilty to charges of having molested Huey, Dewey, and Louie. He has hired Michael 'the mad baby dangler' Jackson to defend him. Mr Duck said he has only been charged because he is a high profile target, and that being a celebrity isn't all it's quacked up to be.

John the Baptist, arrested after torturing a thief, said it wasn't his fault that he appeared in a Bob Dylan song, and they should talk to his great hero, the commander in chief, about the matter. He further stated that if tuba players can rehearse around the flagpole, that what he did isn't so bad after all.

Barry Manilow, fresh from a stint as an executable programme on a Linux box, today announced he was joining Black Sabbath as lead singer. He said all that leather would be good for his image, and his heavy metal version of 'Copa Cabana' will tug at the hearstrings. Well, tug at something, anyway.